You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
