Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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