My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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