I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
