Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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