??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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