Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
