i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
