fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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