im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
