I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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