In the future we'll all be gay
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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