she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
