Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
