apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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