The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
