I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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