i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
