Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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