The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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