Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Im part way to drunk.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
