How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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