I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize