I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
