kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
