Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
