i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
