they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
