Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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