I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
