Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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