there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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