plz talk dirty to me
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
