Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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