If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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