the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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