My friends, they love my intelligence
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
