I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
