Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
