Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
