very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
