Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
