chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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