i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
