Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
