My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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