She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
