What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
