Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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