i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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